The Presidential Debate

Good evening, tonight we welcome the three leading contenders for President in 2016. They will, hopefully, address the issues that most concern this nation among others corruption, poverty, global warming, traffic, family dynasties, the BBL and China.

Each candidate will have a minute to introduce himself/herself, two minutes to answer a question and two minutes for closing remarks. Each candidate is entitled to two lifelines, one from the audience and one chosen by him/her. For the latter, Sen. Grace Poe has designated Sen. Chiz Escudero; Sec. Mar his lovely wife Korina; and VP Binay his trusted confidante, Mr. Gerry Limlingan. Mr. Limlingan is currently the subject of a nation-wide manhunt – for which the VP apologizes- so he will be answering from an undisclosed location via satellite phone. Let’s get started.

GP: Good evening, my name is Grace Poe. I am a mother, a wife, an ex-American, and a Filipino. Oh, how silly of me, did I forget to say I am also the daughter of FPJ all of whose movies, by the way, are available in my website for just 9.99 a month. Proceeds will help finance my campaign so please sign on.
I am also sometimes known as Grace Llamanzares but that is probably too much information.

MR: Good evening, my name is Mar Roxas aka Mr. Palengke and less famously as Teka Teka. I am a son and a Filipino. I am also rich but please do not take that against me. My father, grandfather and brother were all public servants, this is what we do as a family, parang Kennedys.
My absolutely gorgeous wife has also asked me to introduce her so let’s put it together for Korina. What can I say, we are just delighted to be here.

JB: Good evening, mga Kababayan. My name is Jojo Binay. I am a Makati resident, a former indigent, a Filipino and your Vice-President in that order. I started as a human rights lawyer fighting the Marcos regime but have moved on nicely since then. Like Mar, I am also rich but in a quiet way. I have received a lot of press lately what with all the unsubstantiated, unimaginative and politically motivated accusations against me; so I need no introduction. Basta, I am here for you.

Q: First question, what are your principal accomplishments?

GP: You mean other than a mother, a wife, an ex-American, a Filipino and the daughter of FPJ? Give me a minute. Ok, I worked in the private sector as a manager, I was head of the MTRCB and topped the Senate race in the last elections. Under my watch as MTRCB head, I am proud to say no child over 13 years was ever caught in an R rated movie without an adult. As Senator, I chaired the hearing on the Mamasapano Massacre which concluded that it was a mess but, hey, stuff happens. Otherwise I just like to hang out with my family, going to the malls on weekends, ganyan.

MR: You mean other than marrying Korina? Joke lang, she gets so kilig when I say that. On the serious side, I am on paper the most qualified among the candidates, even ERAP said so and he knows all about Presidential qualifications. I was a successful investment banker. I have served forever in various cabinet capacities – DTI, DOTC, DILG – you name it, I have been there, done it. I am singly responsible for the creation of over 500,000 call center jobs (murmur in the audience). I was first responder to Yolanda. You know what, just check my website for my extensive resume. To repeat, I deserve to be President ever since 2010 pa but I gave it up for my buddy Noynoy. (Looking at the camera): Hey, bro. What’s up?
I really also should have been Vice-President but let us not go there.

JB: Gosh, where do I even start? I have been serving this country before Grace was even a possibly not-natural born foundling. (Looking at Grace): Sorry, hija, that kinda just slipped out. Peace, sister.
My family and I have run Makati for, what, over 30 years? That says it all. I mean, did you know Makati residences are now going for over P200,000 a square meter? If anybody, I should know how much property has appreciated in my city.

(To be continued next week)

When It Rains, It Pours

Things have lately not gone well for the Binays.

Family members (together with 22 business associates and staff) have been accused by Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales of corruption and malversation of public funds in connection with the overpricing of the Makati Municipal Parking building, hospital supplies and others. Junjun Binay has been ousted as Mayor of Makati and permanently banned from public office.

If these were not enough, now this:

  • Kris has unfriended Junjun in Facebook.
  • The BIR is conducting a lifestyle check on the family.
  • The percentage of respondents who believe the VP sucks is at an all time high, exceeded only by the percentage of respondents who believe he really, really sucks.
  • The VP’s popularity numbers have plummeted so low, they are now close to Mar’s.
  • The Binays now use the regular gate when going to and fro their residences in Forbes Park.
  • Junjun uses street parking rather than pay the overpriced fees in the over-priced Makati municipal parking building.
  • The Ombudsman has stricken the entire Binay family –VP, Senator, Congresswoman and ex-Mayor- from her Christmas card list. In retaliation Makati has stopped sending the Ombudsman her senior’s birthday cake and biannual P1,000 stipend.
  • Makati seniors have suffered the same fate. Rather than the cake, seniors now receive a discount coupon entitling them to 10% off any P10,000 purchase in Goldilocks. The P1,000 has similarly been replaced by an IOU redeemable after July 1 2016, subject to funding.
  • Sales of the family pastry business have fallen precipitously.
  • The Commission on Elections has denied the petition of the 40,000 ghost Makati municipal employees to register as voters and join UNA.
  • The 22 Binay co-accused deny the charges against them, claiming they are and have always been Makati ghost employees.
  • Politicians, family and friends have apparently started to distance themselves from the Binays. The son-in-law of the VP has filed his Certificate of Candidacy for Congressman of Makati under the name, Luis Campos, rather than his originally preferred nom-de-guerre, Mr. Abigail Binay.
  • Speculation is rife the VP’s daughter, Abigail, filed her COC for Makati Mayor as Mrs. Luis Campos.
  • Junjun Binay opted not to file a COC under any name. Nancy Binay is safe as her Senatorial term still ends in 2018.
  • Gringo Honasan has similarly distanced himself from the Binays: “I was chosen by an illustrious UNA selection committee after careful vetting” and, presumably therefore, not by the VP. Binay’s response: “Whatever.” So it is all good between the two.
  • Other politicians clarified that their distancing themselves from the VP is not a personal hygiene thing.
  • Unconcerned, the VP says PNoy still loves him.
    Unfazed, VP Binay said the accusations against him and his family are senseless, baseless, groundless, clueless and motivated by politics. When asked to comment Politics said: “ What? Just leave me out of this!”

Undeterred, VP Binay announced he is ignoring all the black propaganda and will just continue to work on reducing poverty. The VP did not elaborate whose poverty he was referring to.